Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas iOS Review

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They say you never forget how to ride a bike, but you couldn't tell it from my first few minutes with the iOS port of Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas. Rival gang members were on my tail, my friends were speeding down highways and alleys on bikes of their own, and even the cops were hunting me down for firing off a stolen Uzi. And what did I do during this madness? Why, I played bumper cars with brick walls and tested how well I could endure the force of trucks hitting me at full speed. Carl Johnson, the hero of our story, knew that coming back home to Los Santos for his mother's funeral would be rough, but I doubt he ever thought that fiddly touchscreen controls were the true reason why he was so out of touch.

The good news is that CJ's expletive-ridden story remains every bit as gripping as it was way back in 2004. (That's a hint – it might be wise to play this solely with your headphones on if you're on public transportation.) I always worry that these jaunts into the hits of yesteryear will ruin my admiration and memories of them, but here the voice acting remains as effortlessly entertaining as it ever was, and Los Santos itself is a suitable rough draft for the city we can now see in far greater detail in this year's Grand Theft Auto V.

The textures have been updated, but nevertheless still feel as dated as 2004's preoccupations with wardrobe malfunctions and K-Fed. But there's an undeniable pleasure in zooming past sights like the

"world's largest cock" with the enhanced lighting and improved draw distances. Games may have blazed trails that we could have scarcely imagined existing a decade ago, but GTA San Andreas reminds us why it's occasionally nice to retread the old, familiar paths.

In some ways, though, that's this port's biggest problem. In order to appreciate it, we have to approach it on its own terms, and in this case that means playing it on smartphone gamepads designed by the likes of Logitech and Moga. I managed to get a hold of Moga's dual-stick Ace Power variant for my playthrough, and plopping my iPhone 5 inside the slot brought back feelings of satisfaction I've previously associated with calculating the parallaxes of different stars or untangling last year's Christmas lights. After the agonies of the touchscreen, it was beautiful. CJ pumped bullets into passersby and hijacked cars with all of the jerky grace he'd displayed years ago on the PlayStation 2, and yes, he even remembered how to ride his bike. Pity, then, that each of the available models of these Made-for-iPhone controllers will set you back around 100 bucks.

It's hard to fault Rockstar for a lack of trying. After all, Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas features no less than three modes of input for moving if you're all thumbs (and no joysticks). The best method for me is the on-screen analog joystick that pops up when you touch the left side of the screen on your phone or iPad, although it also offers an ostensibly simpler left and right button setup or a "flick" method that lets you attempt to direct movements while looking like you're flipping off the poor denizens of San Andreas. "Attempt," of course, is the key word. Rockstar's input methods here are relatively easy to pick up, considering what it had to work with, but they're pale substitutes for the pleasures of gamepad support.

CJ and the gang.

Still other tweaks ease the path of entry, such as a simple button-tapping prompt that appears near cars so you can hijack them at will, or the way that jumping into water reveals convenient buttons for diving or paddling to the surface. Even the dirty work of shooting has been adapted with aim assists, and tapping an enemy targets them. Better yet, new mid-missions checkpoints ensure that botched runs such as my first attempt at a bicycle escape aren't as painful as they used to be. And if you're still not sure what to do with those movement controls? Customization settings in the menu let you arrange them as you wish.

Controls aside, GTA: San Andreas still justifies its long-running popularity to this day. Provided you can manage to make your way inside the doors of the relevant establishments, you'll find dozens of hours of entertainment crammed into its two gigabytes of precious mobile device storage space that let you experience everything from working out at the gym or grabbing burgers in a fictionalized take on Las Vegas. It even supports features like cloud saves. And at $7? That's a steal that even Carl Johnson can appreciate. But again, it’s really best played with a gamepad of some kind.

A killer ride.